Planning a Good Death (3) The Living you Leave Behind

If you are following my blogs you will hopefully by now realise the value of living simply, not only for your own sake but also for the sake of your loved ones who will clean up after you have left. You also know the importance of having the correct legal documents in place. My workshop in June 'When I Die" will deal with all the important things we need to have in place and be aware of in order to prepare for a Good Death.

I have been present at quite a few transitions and am very aware that something that gives great peace towards the end is when people know they have made a contribution. It's important to look back and see that the world is better off for you having been here. We are all mostly contributing in our own unique ways: creating the next caring generation, creating ideas or businesses that become a legacy, or even just doing a simple job well. But there are little things we can pay attention to now that will make a big difference to how we feel about our lives when there is not much of it left over.

The Living you Leave Behind

When your living here ends, think about what will continue living as a direct result of you having been here. We don't only leave material things. We leave the children born through and from us, as well as ideas, stories, letters, values, gardens, and memories. We leave the silken threads of love and kindness we extended to people along our path. We leave all the words we spoke throughout our life. We also leave bits of anger, resentment, harsh words and lack of kindness.

Make an inventory of what you would be leaving behind if something happened to you tomorrow. It's pretty sobering but the cool thing is we really can change things we become aware of. We just can't change the things we don't confront. See what you would leave behind as a pattern with colors. That's what energy looks like, and you leave behind the energetic imprint of yourself. Leave love, kindness, apologies, and a small planetary footprint. Leave your story in the form of a family tree for your children to look at, letters for people you love. Write this now and schedule one day a year to update them. Write things you can't say, or are worth saying one last time. It will always feel too soon to do these things, but rather too soon than too late.

Leave some of your wealth to those that have nothing or very little. Endowments have tax benefits and Estate Planning benefits and when left wisely can be money that does only good. Look into donor - advised funds and platforms

Make sure that the energy of what you leave behind assures and continues growth, be it of the planet, loving kindness or the people you love.

Planning a Good Death (2) Advance Directives

I bought a great book by BJ Miller called 'A Beginners Guide to the End' which outlines some basic info that everyone who wants a Good Death experience should know. I have spoken to loads of people who have all had bad death experiences with someone close to them due to lack of knowledge of the dying process, and also lack of direction and lack of good paperwork from the departed.

This post will focus on the first important bits of paperwork required for a Good Death.

Drawing up an Advance Directive and Lasting Power of Attorney

Think clearly while you are sound of mind about what kind of care you would want under circumstances where you have no voice anymore. You may be either too ill, infirm or incapacitated. Consider which conditions you do not want to live under. Specify as clearly and as extensively as possible ie. if there is no reasonable hope for quality of life to return you can refuse life-sustaining treatment such as CPR, or being fed or kept alive artificially. You can specify where you want to die, who should care for you, how should they care for you and what type of funeral you would like. These are some of the aspects you can cover in your Advance Directive.

You don't need to do this through a lawyer but it's probably better to do this at the same time as you draw up your Will, and assign Lasting Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare. It must be witnessed and a good idea is to appoint an 'advocate'. This is someone you really trust, either family or friend, who will ensure your directive is adhered to. Best perhaps not to appoint a family member unless you can trust them implicitly to follow your wishes rather than their emotions and the hope that things may change. I was once in that position and could not veer away from desperately hoping for a miracle. It prevented me from honoring what I know my mom wanted at that moment. It took time - too much time - for me to realise it was the end of her road and to remove everything that was still postponing her departure.

There is a difference between things that postpone death and things that ensure comfort during the dying process. Ensure you know the difference. Oxygen, pain management, and quality end-of-life care ensures comfort, not extension of life.

Your 'advocate' (a friend or family member you trust) can also be your person to make legal decisions on your behalf in case you become unable to make them yourself. This is another document called a Lasting Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare. Give them a job description of what you would want them to do should you be in the position of not being able to decide for yourself. Most importantly - tell you family in the presence of your advocate about your wishes. If your wishes change make sure everyone knows. Ensure you state that your advocate has the final say should there be arguments among family members. This is sadly all too common. It is very difficult to be part of a decision that potentially prevents extension of life. We often think longer is better and that death is both failure and the end. But a Good Death has no unnecessary delays and may very well usher the departing person towards their next beautiful chapter.

Just remember, you want to be able to captain your ship till the end, even if only by prior reflection and advanced directives.

Planning A good Death (1) Live Simpler

We spend a lot of time planning our lives. We plan our studies, holidays and career trajectory. We plan for retirement, potential health problems and we insure our goods against a multitude of possibilities. We make these plans to try to ensure a good life.

But what about our death? Why are we not spending time being aware of what a good death would be? Not even one of us will escape the certainty of vacating our bodies. This means that one day we will not be here, but rather we will be 'there'. This means that the people we love will have to deal with all we leave behind. It also means other people will have to possibly make big decisions on our behalf if we don't die quickly.

So what can we do now to try to ensure a good death when our time comes?

Firstly we can gather information and build our knowledge of death, and also consider what happens once we have left for 'there'. While we cease to have concerns about 'here' once we are 'there', all we have gathered here will continue on with a life of it's own and someone will have to deal with it! So if you can't face your accumulated stuff, imagine how your children or spouse will feel when they have to confront it. Get rid of your clutter. We need to live with only what we want others to face should something happen to us. That should be one of the first steps of preparation for our Good Death.

Live a Marie Kondo Life

We don't need nearly as much as we think. 'Stuff' all has to go somewhere one day. Think clearly about how much stuff you really need. Simple is the new black.

Here are a few areas where you can start to declutter. Once you get going, don't stop!

• Wardrobe: Nothing worse than deciding to do with someone else's clothing that they have been accumulating for the last 30 years. Keep only what you have worn in the last 2 years. I've heard that we need no more than 33 items in total. Donate or give away - someone else needs them more.

• Books: No, you are never going to re-read all those old novels! Donate them to charity.

• Paper Filing: You really only need to hold onto old records for 5 years and not 50. Shred it all, or e-store on a hard drive. Ensure relevant passwords are known to your next-of-kin. Ensure you have a 'When I die' file. Watch out for the workshop!

• E-Filing: Delete all old stuff you no longer need including emails! This makes it easier for you to find relevant items and easier for next-of-kin to find relevant info. Arrange an e-file under a heading your next-of-kin will recognise as your relevant info such as ID, and other important docs.

• Home: Disperse furniture and ornaments you don't need to your children or loved ones while you are alive. If they don't want it get rid of it now by donating or selling. They probably won't want it after you die either.

• Kitchen and Cupboards: You really only need the items, crockery and gadgets that you use daily. Whatever you are holding onto 'in case' you need it - change the recipe or re-look the need and throw it out!

• Garage: Keep this empty other than a great tool box, and essential garden and sporting equipment. If you need to store 'stuff' there you have too much. Give away!

Next: Planning a Good Death (2) - Drawing up an Advance Directive